A Peek Into The Future (May 14, 2013)

[I was in a goofy mood when I wrote this. Either it’s actually funny, or I’m drunk in the middle of the afternoon again. – Rev]


LOCATION: James W. Brady Press Briefing Room, the White House

TIME: 3:10pm

[The White House Press Secretary introduces President Paris Battle, who begins after taking the podium and everyone is seated.]

PRESIDENT PARIS BATTLE: Thank you Jon. As the Press Secretary mentioned, I’ll make a few brief statements and then turn the floor over for questions.

Before we begin, I’d like to take a moment and wish a very special birthday to Cate Blanchett, and to let her know that despite her recent court injunction against the office of the White House, my offer of marriage is still on the table. I AM the President Of The United States, and although I know that’s been a diminishing franchise in the last sixty years or so, it’s still a respectable catch. Also, I’ll give your former family tax credits for life, promise. Just something to think on. Your lawyer still has my number, I’m sure.

Anyway, I called this conference to address the bullshit that’s all over the news. Since I DO flip on the television occasionally, I can’t help but notice that those drunken shots of me we took over at Secretary Of Agriculture Will Stone’s place made it onto someone’s Facebook profile and thus all over the internet, the televisions, and thereby our collective lives. Seriously guys, you’ve shown those three shots of me with the Jack Daniels bottle and the ‘Hands Across America’ T-Shirt more times than I ever bothered to look at them.

I KNOW what you’re saying. You’ve been saying it all goddamn day. Look, here’s the deal, then I’ll take questions on anything BUT this, got it? Firstly, I wasn’t ‘endangering a national treasure’ in that shirt. YES I got it from the National Archives, but they’ve got like half a million of those fuckers over there. We’re not losing anything crucial if I should happen to ruin one by overexposure to Tennessee whiskey and cheap stripper perfume. I mean, hypothetically speaking. Secondly, it was NOT a threat to national security to have the entire upper echelon of the Executive Branch plastered beyond belief. Those shots were from a party the night BEFORE the Inauguration. And I dare anyone of you not to be fucked up the night before you take THIS goddamn job. Feel me? Discussion over. Questions? David?

Holy Shit, I\'m The Fucking President


QUESTION: Mr President, concerning that evening…

BATTLE: Oh for fuck’s sake!

Q: I’m sorry, but are you not concerned the impression this leaves on the children of America?

BATTLE: Look, I’m a grown-assed man. You want a message for the children? Here’s one right at them: Kids, if life tosses YOU one more opportunity to party right before you take a job that ages men faster than drinking out of the wrong Holy Grail, you do it. Blowing off steam is good for you. Look Gregory, I’m hip deep in shit that would scare your testicles so far up into your abdomen they’d forget what daylight looks like. All the time, twenty-four seven, sleeping in state secrets. I take a SHIT and it affects a hundred thousand people’s lives. You want a President up here who DOESN’T give himself a mental health moment now and then? Take that to your children, America. Now, next question.


BATTLE: That DOESN’T involve my being drunk on the internet?


BATTLE: Terry! Yes, thank you.

QUESTION: Mr President, since the issuance of the Executive Order on the twentieth of last month…

BATTLE: The legalization directive, yes.

Q: Yes… links to that order and your changes in long established American foreign policy have been both insinuated at criticized by Venezuela’s President.


Q: I was just… wondering if you had any response I suppose, to what Mr Chavez is saying in the public forum, or…?

BATTLE: Oh, you want a response?

Q: Or a statement…

BATTLE: Right well, here’s the first thing you need to understand. Hugo Chavez is HUGE asshole. I mean just a total prick. This guy thinks he’s Robin Hood, but he’s like Jabba The Hutt in red shirts. Without the decency to even haul along a girl in a gold bikini. In public anyway. Though, come to think of it, Evo Morales does kind of remind me of Salacious Crumb. I’m not sure why.

Seriously, Look At This Asshole


So Chavez is pissed I legalized dope. Boo hoo. Now Columbia gets to weigh legal tax on its production to meet the new demand in America, and FARC suddenly doesn’t have so many friends as people switch to a crop less likely to get them shot by right-wing paramilitary forces. So yeah, that fucks with him. Here’s the thing: I don’t give a shit. I’ve got more important things to worry about than what some bush-leaguer is crying about this week.

Q: Such at what, Mr President?

BATTLE: Well, aside from this, we ARE planning to announce a White House sponsored initiative to combat the critical lack of breasts on American television. But we go official on that later tonight in the Rose Garden, after my usual afternoon whiskey and bong hit break. Anything else?

Q: Mr President, could you give us an outline, or a preview perhaps, of the sorts of issues that your office is planning to discuss during the upcoming European summit?

BATTLE: So far the only thing we’ve got locked down for a hundred percent is the poker game on Tuesday night. And by the way, put it in your article that it’s a half million buy in, and to reserve a spot at the table through the White House EMail address.

Q: Who’s the deadliest world leader at a poker table?



BATTLE: Putin. Thank you.

[President exits].


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