And Now For Something Completely Stupid

As something of a break from the norm around here at Memetic Press, I’ve decided to shine a small light onto the antics that can occassionally erupt around my personal life.  As was referenced in an earlier post, late last month I attended a wedding, whose reception turned into an exercise in seeing who among my oldest and dearest friends could still put down the liquor and keep the party going.  In short summary: More than you’d think, and you 20-something bitches ain’t got shit on the Reagan Babies.

Following this episode, a fevered exchange took place as certain parties attempted to piece together what happened roughly from the time we all made it to the open bar.  Taking place on a Facebook thread, the details of that epic night have been kept from public view… until now.  I now present that thread, edited for length and given a few visual references, for your reading enjoyment.

I’ve changed the names to protect the guilty, but must first introduce the characters by their fabricated nom de guerre’s:

DIESEL-The groom.  Friend of mine since high school, known him for fifteen years.  Currently works a tech job for a MAJOR American bank.

REV-This is me, for brevity’s sake.

NATE DOG-Another high school-era friend, perpetually hammered, currently pursuing his Master’s degree in bullshit from Western Carolina.  Usually you can’t take this fucker ANYWHERE there’s alcohol unless you plan on getting kicked out in advance.  To give you a frame of reference, for this blog entry he actually requested he be referred to as “Nate Dogg”… and followed it up by saying “I’m bout to make some bodies turn cold, 16 in the clip and 1 n the hole.”  By the way, I’m perserving all original spelling for this debacle.

MH-High school-era female friend, highly social, very sweet.  Currently possesses a larger Facebook photo album than should be allowed by law.

JTX-Homie, co-pilot, my surrogate brother-in-arms.  Currently a journalist for a MAJOR news organization.  He insisted that his name be withheld in case tales of his antics soiled the pristine reputation of American journalism.

C-JIZZLE-Another high-school buddy, who remained strangely silent until JTX started talking about his love life.  Of course, that’s always worth a snide comment or two.

AH-MH’s little sister, who currently lives in Hawaii, a fact for which I hate her with an envious burning to the depths of my soul.

Everyone got all that?  Okay, here’s how it went down….

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

NATE DOGG:
Hey had a question for ya’ll? Actually a couple.

1. Does anyone know what happened to my jacket Sat nite?
2. Does anyone remember the last half of Bad Dogs [Local bar where the reception afterparty occurred]? I don’t – BLACKOUT!!!
3. Did we close Bad Dogs down?
4. I can’t remember any drinks I had off of a ridicilous bar tab? If someone can name me just 1, I’ll buy ’em one next time I see ya!
5. Did I run into other people I knew? It seems I did, but again BLACKOUT!!
If anyone can help me remember these things, that would be outstanding! Had a blast!

Diesel & [BRIDE] Congrats again!
Also if I made a jackass of myself, it ain’t the 1st and won’t be the last, but sorry if I did. See ya’ll soon

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
MH:
Here is all i have!

1. NO idea, but I do know that another friend of ours, JD, was looking for his jacket that he left in the ballroom on Sunday when I was leaving.
2. Mmmmm not so much. I remember flashes, but NO idea what time i left.
3. I don’t think I did, but…. I was definitely not the last one to leave.
4. I remember you stopping me to take a shot — it was red — red headed slut maybe… definitely a poor life choice!
5. Thank the LORD i don’t remember seeing anyone i wasn’t supposed to be around

dude…. one of the best nights ever!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
JTX:

1. I remember telling you to fuck your jacket that you kept whining about
2. I vaguely remembering promising to get some greek pizza boy a job after everyone we knew had left
3. Yes. You, Rev and I closed it down
4. You think your bar tab was ridiculous? Beat 400 bucks.
5. No idea.
I have an awesome souvenir from the night. A broken rib! Yay me! (Don’t fall down in Rev’s driveway. Rocks hurt)

A major blast was had by all!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

REV:

Okay okay, I’ll weigh in… here are the only things I can contribute…

1. After careful examination of the facts at hand, I fear, Nate Dogg, that your jacket is a casualty of war. Considering JTX gets a Purple Heart for his rib, I think you got off lucky. However, you might wanna get a chest X-Ray, cause whatever you’ve got in your lungs that had you hacking all night kept my room mates up.
2. The last half? Yes, fairly clearly. But that’s only because I passed out on a park bench next to the lake for nearly an hour and was only woken up by a spritzing of rain. Or maybe it was duck piss, I didn’t want to examine it too closely.

THE BENCH

3. Again yes, JTX is right. Though I think my little power nap contributed greatly to my ability to close the bar AND drive your drunk asses home.
4. The only thing I recall drinking at Bad Dogs was a Jager bomb JTX handed me. Of course, my clearest recollections are during my sobering period when I wasn’t drinking, so that knowledge is now known but to God and the bartender.
5. I don’t recall, but Nate Dogg if you’re worried about how big an ass you made of yourself, I have to say you were remarkably well behaved. This time.

Congratulations again (from me) to the happy couple.  Now Diesel, go get that woman with child, as god intended.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

NATE DOGG:

Thanks for the help, I worry when I can’t remember, oh like 4 hours of my life. And yes jacket is caualty of war, although I don’t have a broken rib so I’ll take it. (bummer, but don’t remember and I thought rocks can’t hurt you if your drunk?!!).
Glad to see we closed it down, us Rowan Co. peeps can still do it right, even if it hurts like hell for the next two days! Guess I owe some of ya’ll a drink and JTX I thought I was bad because I hit the century mark, WOW!! That’s 500 worth of alcohol and not counting everyone else, no wonder we don’t remember shit!!! thanks for helping w/ the memory loss, vagueness of walk around lake, ride home, JTX falling, or me hacking up a lung, guess I’m getting old. Again had a blast, we need to do this more often, other than weddings, hell there ain’t that many of us left!! And JTX I think the Greek pizza boy had to have been Leo, used to lifeguard for me, good shit.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

DIESEL: (ON HIS HONEYMOON WHEN HE WROTE THIS)

Well, we are in San Juan for a five hour lay over and people are looking at me because I am near tears reading this I am laughing so hard. Thanks for coming out!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

REV:

Hey, anyone object if I put the content of this thread up on memeticpress.com? Seriously, it’s hard to write comedy this good. I’ll hide everyone’s identity but my own.

Sound off or I’ll assume the answer’s yes.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

NATE DOGG:

Oh hell yeah put it up!! Actually I want credit for this shit, I didn’t loose my jacket and my liver for a good night of comedy, I lost it for a good night of drinking and hanging w/ friends!!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

JTX:

Yeah, you can put it on your blog, but keep the i.d.’s hidden please. I don’t need work knowing how I broke my rib. I still haven’t gone to the doctor for it. It started getting better then I made the mistake of getting drunk with my girlfriend…and one thing led to another….and now my rib hurts again. Well, maybe that wasn’t a mistake. What was probably a mistake was telling my boss why I was holding my side again. It’s her fault for asking, if you ask me. Ask a stupid question, get an inappropriate answer.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

DIESEL:

Dude, this isn’t the same chick is it?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

JTX:

No way in hell. Totally different crazy chick. Just kidding. She’s really cool.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

C-JIZZLE:

You’re dropping the “girlfriend” title after two weeks? Or were you seeing her a little bit before Diesel’s wedding?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

JTX:

C-Jizzle- I was trying to be polite to the females in this conversation. You can call her my fuck buddy if it makes you feel better.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

NATE DOGG:

Ok but my name has to be Nate Dogg and I’m bout to make some bodies turn cold, 16 in the clip and 1 n the hole [I told you]. Anywho this is the funniest shit i’ve read since that 20Q w/ meg ryan. not really a joke there, just figured what the hell, to drunk to come up w/ anything else.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

DIESEL:

Dude, Nate Dogg, your liver should be put up in the Smithsonian.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

JTX:

Nate Dogg. It’s “too drunk” not “to drunk.” You no English speakin’ motha fucka.  Don’t worry, I wouldn’t expect any better from someone who was filling out multiple-choice worksheets at Western while we were writing ten page papers.  God, I’m an elitist ass.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

C-JIZZLE:

Nate Dogg, if JTX is giving you shit for your English, just ask him to do some math for you. 🙂

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

NATE DOGG:

Or I could ask him how his rib is doing? And really? didn’t know I had to spell/gramar check my drunk facebook posts and yes you are an elitist ass, your just not an elitist. Oh and Diesel when i do dye, please ya’lls makes sure my liver does get in the Smithsonian or Ripliey’s Believe It or Not, either or both; and no I really don’t care how ya do it.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

DIESEL:

The more I think about it, the only bad thing that happened the entire night were the high fives from random people when we got to the bar. Who the hell high fives any more? In or out of a sporting venue.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

MH:

I agree… I hate people with high five habits! with that said, i do not remember, but i am pretty sure i would have given a high five to either or both on you that night! Wedding celebrations, friends intown or good silver strike scores… multiple reasons for me to celebrate that night! I wish more of you could have experienced AH convincing Nate Dogg to swim across the lake… “you won’t” it works every time… we already had his jacket off!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

AH:

I did,….. and he almost ….(if only some half way sober person wouldn’t have saved him). Who invites sober people to weddings?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

NATE DOGG:

Thanks for filling in blanks, sort of! When I think back I have a fuzzy memory of actually thinking about jumping in but then listening to reason and thinking it was to shallow?! And it would have been disgusting, Hooray, for goose/duck shit! Nice try though to all, next time I’ll wear my speedo (kidding) so I’m prepared to swim.

I THINK HE COULD HAVE MADE IT

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Out for now…

– Paris ‘Rev’ Battle

Advertisements

1 Comment

  1. Even reading this for what must be the 80th time, I am still laughing.


Comments RSS

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s