And Now For Something Completely Stupid

As something of a break from the norm around here at Memetic Press, I’ve decided to shine a small light onto the antics that can occassionally erupt around my personal life.  As was referenced in an earlier post, late last month I attended a wedding, whose reception turned into an exercise in seeing who among my oldest and dearest friends could still put down the liquor and keep the party going.  In short summary: More than you’d think, and you 20-something bitches ain’t got shit on the Reagan Babies.

Following this episode, a fevered exchange took place as certain parties attempted to piece together what happened roughly from the time we all made it to the open bar.  Taking place on a Facebook thread, the details of that epic night have been kept from public view… until now.  I now present that thread, edited for length and given a few visual references, for your reading enjoyment.

I’ve changed the names to protect the guilty, but must first introduce the characters by their fabricated nom de guerre’s:

DIESEL-The groom.  Friend of mine since high school, known him for fifteen years.  Currently works a tech job for a MAJOR American bank.

REV-This is me, for brevity’s sake.

NATE DOG-Another high school-era friend, perpetually hammered, currently pursuing his Master’s degree in bullshit from Western Carolina.  Usually you can’t take this fucker ANYWHERE there’s alcohol unless you plan on getting kicked out in advance.  To give you a frame of reference, for this blog entry he actually requested he be referred to as “Nate Dogg”… and followed it up by saying “I’m bout to make some bodies turn cold, 16 in the clip and 1 n the hole.”  By the way, I’m perserving all original spelling for this debacle.

MH-High school-era female friend, highly social, very sweet.  Currently possesses a larger Facebook photo album than should be allowed by law.

JTX-Homie, co-pilot, my surrogate brother-in-arms.  Currently a journalist for a MAJOR news organization.  He insisted that his name be withheld in case tales of his antics soiled the pristine reputation of American journalism.

C-JIZZLE-Another high-school buddy, who remained strangely silent until JTX started talking about his love life.  Of course, that’s always worth a snide comment or two.

AH-MH’s little sister, who currently lives in Hawaii, a fact for which I hate her with an envious burning to the depths of my soul.

Everyone got all that?  Okay, here’s how it went down….

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NATE DOGG:
Hey had a question for ya’ll? Actually a couple.

1. Does anyone know what happened to my jacket Sat nite?
2. Does anyone remember the last half of Bad Dogs [Local bar where the reception afterparty occurred]? I don’t – BLACKOUT!!!
3. Did we close Bad Dogs down?
4. I can’t remember any drinks I had off of a ridicilous bar tab? If someone can name me just 1, I’ll buy ’em one next time I see ya!
5. Did I run into other people I knew? It seems I did, but again BLACKOUT!!
If anyone can help me remember these things, that would be outstanding! Had a blast!

Diesel & [BRIDE] Congrats again!
Also if I made a jackass of myself, it ain’t the 1st and won’t be the last, but sorry if I did. See ya’ll soon

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MH:
Here is all i have!

1. NO idea, but I do know that another friend of ours, JD, was looking for his jacket that he left in the ballroom on Sunday when I was leaving.
2. Mmmmm not so much. I remember flashes, but NO idea what time i left.
3. I don’t think I did, but…. I was definitely not the last one to leave.
4. I remember you stopping me to take a shot — it was red — red headed slut maybe… definitely a poor life choice!
5. Thank the LORD i don’t remember seeing anyone i wasn’t supposed to be around

dude…. one of the best nights ever!

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JTX:

1. I remember telling you to fuck your jacket that you kept whining about
2. I vaguely remembering promising to get some greek pizza boy a job after everyone we knew had left
3. Yes. You, Rev and I closed it down
4. You think your bar tab was ridiculous? Beat 400 bucks.
5. No idea.
I have an awesome souvenir from the night. A broken rib! Yay me! (Don’t fall down in Rev’s driveway. Rocks hurt)

A major blast was had by all!

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REV:

Okay okay, I’ll weigh in… here are the only things I can contribute…

1. After careful examination of the facts at hand, I fear, Nate Dogg, that your jacket is a casualty of war. Considering JTX gets a Purple Heart for his rib, I think you got off lucky. However, you might wanna get a chest X-Ray, cause whatever you’ve got in your lungs that had you hacking all night kept my room mates up.
2. The last half? Yes, fairly clearly. But that’s only because I passed out on a park bench next to the lake for nearly an hour and was only woken up by a spritzing of rain. Or maybe it was duck piss, I didn’t want to examine it too closely.

THE BENCH

3. Again yes, JTX is right. Though I think my little power nap contributed greatly to my ability to close the bar AND drive your drunk asses home.
4. The only thing I recall drinking at Bad Dogs was a Jager bomb JTX handed me. Of course, my clearest recollections are during my sobering period when I wasn’t drinking, so that knowledge is now known but to God and the bartender.
5. I don’t recall, but Nate Dogg if you’re worried about how big an ass you made of yourself, I have to say you were remarkably well behaved. This time.

Congratulations again (from me) to the happy couple.  Now Diesel, go get that woman with child, as god intended.

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NATE DOGG:

Thanks for the help, I worry when I can’t remember, oh like 4 hours of my life. And yes jacket is caualty of war, although I don’t have a broken rib so I’ll take it. (bummer, but don’t remember and I thought rocks can’t hurt you if your drunk?!!).
Glad to see we closed it down, us Rowan Co. peeps can still do it right, even if it hurts like hell for the next two days! Guess I owe some of ya’ll a drink and JTX I thought I was bad because I hit the century mark, WOW!! That’s 500 worth of alcohol and not counting everyone else, no wonder we don’t remember shit!!! thanks for helping w/ the memory loss, vagueness of walk around lake, ride home, JTX falling, or me hacking up a lung, guess I’m getting old. Again had a blast, we need to do this more often, other than weddings, hell there ain’t that many of us left!! And JTX I think the Greek pizza boy had to have been Leo, used to lifeguard for me, good shit.

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DIESEL: (ON HIS HONEYMOON WHEN HE WROTE THIS)

Well, we are in San Juan for a five hour lay over and people are looking at me because I am near tears reading this I am laughing so hard. Thanks for coming out!

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REV:

Hey, anyone object if I put the content of this thread up on memeticpress.com? Seriously, it’s hard to write comedy this good. I’ll hide everyone’s identity but my own.

Sound off or I’ll assume the answer’s yes.

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NATE DOGG:

Oh hell yeah put it up!! Actually I want credit for this shit, I didn’t loose my jacket and my liver for a good night of comedy, I lost it for a good night of drinking and hanging w/ friends!!

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JTX:

Yeah, you can put it on your blog, but keep the i.d.’s hidden please. I don’t need work knowing how I broke my rib. I still haven’t gone to the doctor for it. It started getting better then I made the mistake of getting drunk with my girlfriend…and one thing led to another….and now my rib hurts again. Well, maybe that wasn’t a mistake. What was probably a mistake was telling my boss why I was holding my side again. It’s her fault for asking, if you ask me. Ask a stupid question, get an inappropriate answer.

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DIESEL:

Dude, this isn’t the same chick is it?

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JTX:

No way in hell. Totally different crazy chick. Just kidding. She’s really cool.

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C-JIZZLE:

You’re dropping the “girlfriend” title after two weeks? Or were you seeing her a little bit before Diesel’s wedding?

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JTX:

C-Jizzle- I was trying to be polite to the females in this conversation. You can call her my fuck buddy if it makes you feel better.

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NATE DOGG:

Ok but my name has to be Nate Dogg and I’m bout to make some bodies turn cold, 16 in the clip and 1 n the hole [I told you]. Anywho this is the funniest shit i’ve read since that 20Q w/ meg ryan. not really a joke there, just figured what the hell, to drunk to come up w/ anything else.

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DIESEL:

Dude, Nate Dogg, your liver should be put up in the Smithsonian.

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JTX:

Nate Dogg. It’s “too drunk” not “to drunk.” You no English speakin’ motha fucka.  Don’t worry, I wouldn’t expect any better from someone who was filling out multiple-choice worksheets at Western while we were writing ten page papers.  God, I’m an elitist ass.

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C-JIZZLE:

Nate Dogg, if JTX is giving you shit for your English, just ask him to do some math for you. 🙂

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NATE DOGG:

Or I could ask him how his rib is doing? And really? didn’t know I had to spell/gramar check my drunk facebook posts and yes you are an elitist ass, your just not an elitist. Oh and Diesel when i do dye, please ya’lls makes sure my liver does get in the Smithsonian or Ripliey’s Believe It or Not, either or both; and no I really don’t care how ya do it.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

DIESEL:

The more I think about it, the only bad thing that happened the entire night were the high fives from random people when we got to the bar. Who the hell high fives any more? In or out of a sporting venue.

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MH:

I agree… I hate people with high five habits! with that said, i do not remember, but i am pretty sure i would have given a high five to either or both on you that night! Wedding celebrations, friends intown or good silver strike scores… multiple reasons for me to celebrate that night! I wish more of you could have experienced AH convincing Nate Dogg to swim across the lake… “you won’t” it works every time… we already had his jacket off!

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AH:

I did,….. and he almost ….(if only some half way sober person wouldn’t have saved him). Who invites sober people to weddings?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

NATE DOGG:

Thanks for filling in blanks, sort of! When I think back I have a fuzzy memory of actually thinking about jumping in but then listening to reason and thinking it was to shallow?! And it would have been disgusting, Hooray, for goose/duck shit! Nice try though to all, next time I’ll wear my speedo (kidding) so I’m prepared to swim.

I THINK HE COULD HAVE MADE IT

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Out for now…

– Paris ‘Rev’ Battle

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A Few Victims Of That Bus Everyone’s Being Thrown Under (To Greater Or Lesser Degree)

Politics is a game of bullshit.  A nuanced, complex and sometimes surreal game of bullshit on a mass level that I enjoy thoroughly, but still bullshit.  A politician’s job is to spin whatever is done, said, or randomly occurred by ANY individual or group of individuals into a sound bite that plays well for their side.  When it’s done right, it works beautifully (“I feel your pain”).  And when it’s done poorly, it’s a campaign killer:

GOOD JOB, FRANKENSTEIN.

Occasionally, candidates have to bite the bullet and say something to appease and/or motivate their respective bases.  These are the moments they sound most like raving lunatics, because only the raving lunatics in this country are motivated enough to vote regularly.  For the Right, these are generally megachurch-going, minivan driving, shitty-musical-taste having suburbanites in the South and Midwest coupled with God-fearing but less church-going drunken rednecks found in rural areas the nation over (rebel flags optional).  For the Left, this base consists of every other fringe lunatic known to man, from whaling boat chasing hippies to Robert Mapplethorpe.  Republicans like numbers, Democrats like variety, I suppose.  Anyway these sorts of statements are along the lines of “the Constitution should be re-written to exclude those damn queers” and “maybe we should just try offering the Iranians cupcakes and love”.  I’m paraphrasing those last two, by the way, in case you’re a dipshit.

SEE?  HE JUST NEEDS A HUG.

In the process of this memetic warfare/cosmic douchebaggery, there are inevitably casualties.  Aside from our collective dignity, I mean.  I’m referring to people who get wounded (or taken out entirely) on the gladiatorial floor of American politics for doing nothing more basic, and heretical, as telling the truth AS THEY SAW IT.  So in the interest of illustration, I’m profiling just a few right here that have occurred recently.  In the interest of equity, I’m offering an equal portion from the Left and Right, just to prove that this sort of dickheadedness doesn’t discriminate.

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“If Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position.”

SAID BY: Geraldine Ferraro

THE FUSS: Sounds racist as fuck.

FIRST SIGN OF BULLSHIT: Anyone actually BELIEVE Ferraro is a racist?  And if so, why wasn’t that part of the national media debate?

AS SHE SAW IT: More than likely, Geraldine was simply ruminating that if Obama were a young, charismatic junior Democratic Senator with a populist/moderate appeal AND he were white, he’d look just like half a dozen other suit-and-tie Ken Dolls the Democrats have in the stable, one of whom was already in the primaries.

IF OBAMA LOOKED LIKE THIS, HE’D LOSE TWO PRIMARIES TOO.

BUS FACTOR: A total bus throw.  Hillary wasted no time in severing ties with Ferraro, probably in an effort to get this little comment out of the news cycle as fast as possible.

WAY I SEE IT: Ferraro was probably wrong in actuality.  Obama turned out to be able enough a politician by far to carve out his own identity and beat anyone on the field regardless of standing out ethnically.  He hadn’t yet beat Team Clinton when this quote caused all the fuss.  Or maybe her failure to give him the benefit of the doubt in that ability IS some latent racism on her part, who the fuck knows or cares?  The statement itself isn’t one of hate so much as poor politics from someone who was only ever on the shittiest presidential ticket in modern history.  Doddering old people should be ignored in every human endeavour, quite frankly.  Still, in America, it was enough to kill whatever she had left of a career (not much).  Unfair, but no big loss.

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“Certainly [another terrorist attack on US soil] would be a big advantage to [John McCain].”

SAID BY: Charlie Black, McCain’s chief strategist.

THE FUSS: 9-11 The Sequel, and this guy is contemplating a poll bump?

AWKWARD

FIRST SIGN OF BULLSHIT: Does anyone think John McCain ACTUALLY wants to see another 9-11?

AS HE SAW IT: Probably that from a purely rational standpoint, he was totally correct.  The current number one issue in the race is economics, and right now the only thing that’s likely to push that back far enough to seal the deal is a dirty bomb going off in Scranton or the like.

BUS FACTOR: Well you can’t call this a complete bus throw, since the man still has a job.  However, it wasn’t long after that McCain completely restructured his campaign (again) under one of Karl Rove’s former padawan learners.  One would assume part of this restructuring involves limiting Charlie Black’s press exposure, if that hasn’t been done already.  Also, McCain was damn quick to denounce this statement.

WAY I SEE IT: As even the Fortune magazine writer who reported this admits, these comments were made after he did the standard American journalist “press for a take on my wild and completely off-base speculation about something juicy” technique.  On top of that, he did it to a career political man so he knew any answer with candor was going to sound cold-blooded as hell.  At most, this quote illustrates that McCain employees the same sorts of single-minded reptiles in his campaign team that everyone else does; it’s not really news.

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“They get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.” [AKA: BITTERGATE]

SAID BY: Barack Obama

THE FUSS: Sounds classist as fuck.

FIRST SIGN OF BULLSHIT: First off, that’s the most soft-petaled classism I’ve ever heard in my life.  “Let them eat cake” it ain’t.  But the real bullshit here is that the people slamming him for this feel the same way about the same people, they’re just more adept at mining them for votes.  And THOSE yacht-club dickheads don’t have the street cred of having worked in a Chicago soup kitchen when they could have been making a few million a year suing the shit out doctors like the rest of the Harvard Law grads.

AS HE SAW IT: Obama would never have used those PARTICULAR words in a place he thought he’d be recorded at, because he knows how they’d play.  The room he was in, however, was being sent a clear message, proving the adage that politics isn’t what you say or how you say it, but WHY you’re saying it and to whom.  To translate, it was his way of communicating in intractable dickhead Democrat-speak that “small-town people aren’t stupid, they’re just scared, which is something you might understand if you didn’t have your heads up your asses”.  Maybe not the last part, but still.

BUS FACTOR: Never a true bus-throwing possibility, as the only people who could throw Obama under a bus would be the people voting for him.  Still, this little gaffe barrelled out of control enough to count for perhaps the bus running over the Senator’s foot.  Painful, but nothing a few weeks in crutches can’t fix.

WAY I SEE IT: Know the following:  I don’t go to church.  I don’t own a gun.  But I AM a working class small-town kid.  And I support and deeply empathize with the fears and indeed attitudes of people like me.  But the fact is that critical self-examination shows an element of truth to what Obama said.  SURE there are people in our communities who are finding Jesus or hating immigrants just a LITTLE bit more because they have nothing else to turn to (or think they don’t).  Doesn’t make it any less true when it’s observed by an Ivy League lawyer.  The man was in no way suggesting that we, or the fanatics among us, be marginalized in any systematic way.  It doesn’t even show a particular disdain, unless the reader chooses to read it that way, honestly.  And on a side note… Attaching the suffix “-gate” to the end of every minor flap in politics is fucking moronic.  Stop it.

CLINGING TO HIS RELIGION

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“We have sort of become a nation of whiners. You just hear this constant whining, complaining about a loss of competitiveness, America in decline…You’ve heard of mental depression; this is a mental recession.”

SAID BY: Phil Gramm, economic adviser to John McCain

THE FUSS: After the tenth time in a month of being sodomized at the filling station and the fourth home foreclosure to hit your block, most people don’t want to be told they’re whiners.

FIRST SIGN OF BULLSHIT: The immediate and rabid activation of the spin machines on both sides, complete with lame humor.  McCain jumped right off the straight-talk express to deliver a “Phil Gramm does not speak for me” speech in the heart of Michigan, conveniently surrounded by people hoping against hope that auto manufacturing jobs are going to return to America.  Obama’s people fared even worse, prepping him with a speech that included the line “America already has one Dr. Phil. We don’t need another one when it comes to the economy.”  At least, I HOPE that line came from one of his team and not Obama himself, because it’s fucking stupid.  In all of this, not one bit of effort was taken on the part of either campaign OR the media to examine the actual FACTS of Gramm’s assertion.  Better by far to dance to the tune of economic fear-mongering, after all.

AS HE SAW IT: Gramm has never been one to mince words when reached for a statement.  Point in fact, he called CNN directly to clarify his position on the matter.  Relevant excerpts include: “The whiners are the leaders. Hell, the American people are victims, but it didn’t quite come out that way in the story… [Congressional leaders] blame speculators and oil companies for our problems…What we need is more leadership and less whining…I said we are in a mental recession. We keep getting the steady drumbeat of bad news … it’s become a mental recession.  We don’t have measured negative growth. That’s a fact, that’s not a commentary.”  He went on to say he understood the outrage over his remarks as part of the “game”, and that the media were a collection of irrelevancy-peddling shit-buzzards.  Okay, I made that last part up, but the subtext was there, I think.

BUS FACTOR: Well, McCain was once again DAMN quick to distance himself from the remarks.  It’s curious, since distancing yourself from economic remarks which were made by YOUR ECONOMIC ADVISER is a move that could only work out in American politics.  Still, when asked directly whether Gramm would be in the running for a job a Treasury Secretary in a McCain administration, the question was deflected with a joke about Belarus.  No, seriously.  So it seems Gramm has been saved from tire marks for now.

[UPDATE 7-18-08:  Looks like I spoke too soon, though to hear Gramm tell it, he threw HIMSELF under the bus.  Draw your own conclusions.]

WAY I SEE IT: Phil Gramm has a PhD in economics from the University of Georgia.  He taught on the subject for twelve years at Texas A&M and is currently a vice-chairman of UBS Investment Bank.  Now MAYBE (just maybe) when he speaks on the subject of America’s financial situation, it might be a good idea for us to listen and evaluate instead of worrying whether or not these statements jibe with the feelings of some impoverished SUV driver who’s having to downsize to (gasp!) a full-sized sedan.

READY FOR THE SOUP LINE

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Out for now…

– Paris ‘Rev’ Battle

What The United States Of America Means To Me, And Why It Still Kicks Ass

In the days leading up to this country’s Independence celebration, I found myself contemplative for this particular entry into the Memetic Press blog.  Two hundred and thirty-two years ago, a ragtag group of businessmen, smugglers, and pillars of their respective communities gathered together to solidify their ideas about national identity and natural rights on a piece of paper.  That scrap of hemp parchment was destined to live forever as history’s greatest middle finger, aimed squarely at the King of England.

This is the time of year I usually imagine this scene playing out: I see John Hancock, you know… chillin’.  Standing against the wall as everyone else signs, just hanging back, you know.  And Jefferson looks up and says… “Hey Hancock, you gonna get down on this?”  And Hancock’s just waiting, smug like, and he says, “Nah, I’ll get it in a minute.  Save room.  Lots of room.”  Probably drinking, too.  I heard they had to stop him before he dipped his gigantic balls into the inkwell and planted them right next to his signature.  Let the king see that, indeed.

THIS IS WHAT A PIMP LOOKS LIKE

Anyway, that leads me to the subject of today’s musing… What the United States of America Means To Me, And Why It Still Kicks Ass.

The ass-kickery begins, as most ass-kickery does, at the beginning.  For whatever reason the forces of fate decided to bring together the exact right people at the exact right moment.  Most of the Founders themselves would have called this Providence, but whatever the driving principle behind it, the result remains the same and the pattern is inescapable.  You can see it in other points of American history where two or more convergent forces raise the status of one another.  For example, without say, Howard Hawks and John Ford, John Wayne would be just another Western serial actor.  Without the RZA and the rest of the Wu, the Ol’ Dirty Bastard would just be a drunk dude screaming into a microphone.  And thusly, without one another, each constituent part of the Founding Fathers posse would simply be a historical footnote; Franklin a quirky 18th century inventor, Washington a prominent military commander in a forgotten war with the French, and Adams not even worth an HBO mini-series.  And so on.

But that’s not what happened.  What happened was that these men not only came together to combine their powers, not unlike Voltron, but they did so at the PRECISE moment that history required.  Think of it as a perfect storm of complimentary social, political, and philosophical ingredients, brought to a boil in the unrest of a shit-load of cider-drunk hemp farmers.  And the result, my friends, was something truly amazing.

ABOVE: WASHINGTON FORMS THE HEAD

For perhaps the first time in modern history, a nation set out to build itself FROM SCRATCH.  Without tradition or monarchy to guide them, without religious fervor to inform their ceremony, with nothing but the brains in their heads these men attempted to create a country that worked on the principles of REASON and COMMON SENSE.  It’s goal was nothing less than freedom to live for even its lowest and meanest of citizen.  Revolutionary?  Without question.

It was on the promise of this that a ragtag, disorganized citizens brigade proceeded to pull off the greatest military upset since Leonidas rallied Greece against Xerxes with his own blood.  The most powerful military force on Earth lost to screaming hillbillies and starving New England men who were fighting for nothing more than the PROMISE of a free land.  This was a message that resounded so clearly, so incontrovertibly, that every monarchy in Europe shook with fear.  In some cases, this fear was well justified.

EUROPE GETTING OWNED BY FREEDOM

In recent years, it’s become somewhat fashionable for our own intellectual elite and ignorant suburbanites to bash America.  And, considering the trajectory this country has been moving along in recent years, that’s somewhat understandable.  But I myself draw a line between criticism of our government’s actions (which, at the end of the day, we’ve no one but ourselves to blame for) and denigration of this country’s origins and ideals.

Was the nation born of the Revolution a perfect one?  Certainly not, nor was that ever the claim.  If the Founding Fathers pretended to perfection, they’d never have allowed amendments to the Constitution.  Jefferson for one advised each succeeding generation to throw the whole damn system out if it suited their fancy, and the day may yet come where I advocate taking him up on it.  But the INTENT, you see, was the important thing.  They TRIED.  Within the framework of their understanding of the universe around them, they created the best system THEY could come up with.  And, recognizing that future generations would have a greater understanding than they, implemented a system to adapt to that understanding.

This system itself hasn’t always stood up to the rigors of civilized dialogue.  The issues of states rights and slavery degenerated into bloodletting, but the nation survived.  The equal distribution of our freedoms to various groups has often come slowly, but it HAS come.  And today, the United States faces the painful duality of having a bloated expansionist government with an isolationist population.  Problems, as they will, arise.

But throughout it all, a ray of undiluted promise remains.  Freedom.  Independence.  The ability for any person of any persuasion to live their life HOWEVER they please, so long as it harm no other.  Some have proclaimed it impossible.  Some have mocked its very existence and called it an illusion.  Some have degraded the symbols by which this country pursues this promise, burning flags and championing degenerate failed political ideologies from overseas.  All these people, I say here and now, are fucking fools.

Is this country perfect?  Hardly.  No more so than the day it was formed.  But is it’s IDEAL the pinnacle of human achievement?  The notion that all humanity: large and small, rich and poor, male and female, has the right to pursue its happiness however it sees fit?  You bet your American ass it is.

Between the institutionalized self-loathing of the left and the twisted nationalist territoriality of the right there exists a medium of thinking that STILL makes sense.  Common sense, as Thomas Paine might recognize.  Freedom has been slow to come to some in this country.  But it has come.  And it will come.  And the inexorable march toward equality for all under the law and opportunity for everyone in this great nation will continue.  It survived the Civil War.  It survived the Great Depression.  That very simple notion that all should be free… codified in a document by a group of irritable, disagreeing, and heavily sweating men in powdered wigs… lives still.  The promise made in Philadelphia, the gigantic ‘go fuck yourself’ pointed toward King George and indeed all tyrants, still lives.

The United States Of America kicks ass.

RECOGNIZE

Out for now…

– Paris ‘Rev’ Battle

And Then There Were Two

M/O

Well I made a promise, and I kept a promise. I vowed not to speak again on the campaign until we were down to two official candidates. Little did I know.

Honestly, probably best I kept quiet about the internal affairs of any party. I get disgusted enough by the majority of BOTH their antics in pursuit of swing votes like my own, so we’ll leave it at that. I will only say I think ‘superdelegates’ are a colossally asinine idea.

Anyway, without getting too deep into the situation, I’ll just make a list of my most recent observations concerning how Senators Obama and McCain are likely going to throw down before November.

BADAAAAAASSSSSSS!!!!!!!

BAADASSSSS!

So first off, the right honorable Senator Barack Obama, finally wresting victory from the jaws of a deluded loser. It’s not as though this win wasn’t self-evident since at least early March, but the upshot to this, er… unexpected delay is that Obama’s campaign has had extra time to craft their general election strategy. Of course, so has the GOP.

Regardless of all that, the question of the hour seems to be swirling around possible running mates. Some people are under the impression that Obama has utterly no choice but to extend the offer to Hillary. I’m not sure what dimension these observers are living in, but it appears to be one where John Edwards doesn’t exist. Or Ted Strickland. Or Chet Culver. Or any one of a NUMBER of well-thought-of complimentary Democrat governors dotting the landscape. Why, I ask you logically, would Obama pick a running mate fully half his own party just told him they can’t stomach? Guys like Edwards and Strickland are well-known faces in some battleground states, including my own. Or, failing that, someone with military or foreign policy to balance out the fact Obama has about two squirrel shits worth of experience in it.

Have I mentioned that for the first time in my life, I’m in a swing state? Places like North Carolina represent the unpredictable nature of this campaign. Everything that may work for or against Obama in this area (high turn-out among blacks, draw of college kids that normally don’t vote, the defection of white Democrats toward McCain) is purely speculative. This state hasn’t voted Democrat for a president since 1976, but all the rules are changed now.

So in short: Fresh off beating the unbeatable Clintons, clearly invigorated, and clearly coming with a plan, the Obama campaign promises to be one of the most dynamic in modern history. And what’s even better, it looks like he’s got decent competition…

Son, Your Ego\'s Writing Checks Your Body Can\'t Cash.

“SON, YOUR EGO’S WRITING CHECKS YOUR BODY CAN’T CASH.”

Enter Senator John McCain, who is doing his level best to appear unimpressed by this whippersnapper that’s got all the young’ns excited. Which is a tough job, considering that this election came in a package marked “change”, and it’s going to be perpetually difficult to convince younger voters that one of the oldest candidates to ever run is a paragon of radical thinking.

Still, young people don’t do so well deciding Presidential elections in this country, so there’s that.

Either way, McCain’s campaign so far looks a little dualistic in nature, if not schitzophrenic. On the one hand, now that the general election is officially on, McCain can highlight his strongest appeal among swing voters. That is mainly that most Republicans can’t stand him. It looks like the campaign has firmly decided to say “fuck the conservative base”, assuming they’ll opt to vote AGAINST someone named Barack Obama even if they despise McCain. Which they do. Makes sense; it’s presidential politics 101. Court the crazies in your party till it’s down to two, then run back toward the middle as fast as you can. Also, careful not to bang your head on the other guy, cause he’ll be coming the other way, doing the same shit.

On the other hand, John McCain isn’t moving a goddamn inch on the economy. Consider for a moment the STATE of the economy and reflect what a strange tactic that is. His first general election attack on Obama is an engagement in McCain’s weakest field, money matters. His line of attack is to try and define Obama’s most liberal economic tendencies as a BAD thing. There’s even been some recusitating of the old ‘tax and spend’ label that used to scare people away from Democrats. At the beginning of a long hot summer of high gas/food prices, home foreclosures, and a screaming for SOMETHING to be done about it, John McCain’s campaign is attempting to turn Obama’s “change” message into a LIABILITY. All the while his own economic plan looks pretty much exactly like Bush’s did in 2000. They pull this off, and McCain could go down as one of the most brilliant politicians in history.

And then there’s the real (forgive me) elephant in the room, McCain’s own potential VP nominees. As much noise as the media is making about who might ride with Obama on the dusty campaign trail, his decision is far less critical than McCain’s on the matter. If McCain wins, he’ll be 72 when he’s inaugurated. He has lingering health questions by perception if not fact, and Democrats are going to key in on that. The voters will know (or at least suppose) that his vice-presidential candidate is MORE than just an academic feature of the campaign. It ideally needs to be someone who could be President, if need be. An easy guess would be any one of the people who showed up at his cook-out in Sedona in April; Mitt Romney, Bobby Jindal, and Charlie Crist, for example.

There For The Taking

So that’s how things are looking now, other than the bump-by-bump potshots starting up over the sordid pasts of lobbyists and buddies-of-3rd-world dictators that everyone seems to have working for them. Apparently now it’s against the rules to have anyone with dirt on the team. I always thought it’s how these people GOT their jobs. Weird.

On a personal note, I will say I’m excited, as a political junkie and as an American. Because it looks like we’ve finally got an election with two real stand-up guys in it. Or as close to stand-up as 20+ years in the American political system and the virtue of having risen to national prominence on two book deals and a speech can possibly be.

Out for now…

– Paris ‘Rev’ Battle

On The Destiny Of Humankind

Destiny

Recently, conversations have come up more than once in the Memetic offices concerning the nature and purpose (if any) of humankind. Both heated and lukewarm discussion have run the gamut from amused dismissal of the very question on the grounds of irrelevence to passionate backing of the notion that human beings only be allowed to name their purpose individually. The nuance of idea has been staggering.

This, folks, is what happens when we switch brands of weed around here.

Regardless of the catalyst, all this talk sent me back to my master world-view, to review my own position on humanity and what in the hell it might be useful for. After careful consideration, some checking on the most recent science, and a healthy dose of promethazine for the inevitable spinning-head nausea this sort of philosophizing causes, I am now prepared to humbly lay out the building blocks of humankind’s ultimate purpose, as I see it. Bear in mind, this is theory at BEST, but mostly just a wild speculative notion loosely based on observed patterns. Feel free to post your own answers to some of these questions. We at Memetic Press encourage healthy debate as much as we encourage occasionally switching brands. First thing to consider:

WHAT MAKES HUMAN BEINGS DIFFERENT FROM OTHER LIFE?

This is the question I answer with the most recent science, because I think the fundamentals have been conceptually as well as physically (sort of) mapped out in considerable detail. It all boils down to the cerebral cortex.

Lunch!

This is the outer skin on your brain. A lot of animals have these, but in human beings its about six to eight times denser than our next nearest kin, the lovable chimpanzee. And it is FAR denser than the cortex of, say, a seahorse, which I assume resembles Quizno’s cheap-assed sandwich wrappers. Point is, our cerebral cortex is so thick and dense that it folds over on itself, causing the brain to have that wrinkly look we’re all familiar with.

This happened because our ancestor’s primitive monkey brains started growing faster than our skull could keep up for some damn reason, densifying the material on the outside. Theories as to why this occurred vary widely. Some more interesting hypotheses include fish in the diet and/or eating a shit-ton of psychedelic mushrooms. Whatever the reason, it happened, and left our hairy forebear one super-smart monkey. He could outsmart all the other monkey-men, thereby getting all the monkey-bitches, and making lots of super smart monkey-babies. Monkey-babies whose descendants would invent Tennessee, the Butler Act, and eventually drag Clarence Darrow and William Jennings Bryan into court to argue over whether or not monkey-men ever existed in the first place.

Damn Dirty Slut

ABOVE: YOUR ANCESTORS

And the whole process left us with an instrument which allows us a whole range of abilities BETTER than other creatures, and at least one which appears to be fundamentally unique. Basically, it gave us imagination, which is the root component of a variety of functions. Everything from long-term memory to long-term goals, and figuring out how to connect the two in the shortest possible distance. All this when the only information your senses are providing is the back of the toilet stall you got caught staring at while getting all thought-heavy about your future and shit.

The ability to imagine, to envision, to design… The core of all our technological prowess and artistic efforts. The ability not only to ask the non-sensory questions of ‘Why?’ and ‘What If?’… but to actually engineer their answers, and PERSIST in imagining them long before we had the ability to confirm those answers. That, in a nutshell, is humanity.

SO WHAT’S SO GREAT ABOUT THAT?

Actually a very good question. It’s quite one thing to accomplish everything that humankind (and its cerebral cortex) have accomplished. It’s another thing entirely to assign meaning to all of it with no basis for universal comparison. We have no other civilizations to compare ourselves to critically, except in our own imagination. Serious questions arise during such a process.

So we’ve developed complex tool use, division of resources, specialist society, and worldwide predominance on six of seven continents. Our presence has been felt beyond crush depth in the darkest sea and beyond oxygen atop the highest mountain. The ever-imaginative cortex aids us by providing us the ability to invent scuba gear less than a hundred thousand years after coming up with a damned rock ax. Before that, the only way a species was getting into an environment out of it’s sphere of influence was to wait several million years for evolution to give it gills. Other creatures show our practices, and we reflect other creatures predatory natures, certainly. But the fact remains: Our ant colonies are places like New York. And our scout bees have been to the moon. When humans do it, we do it big.

See How We Grow

But again: So what?

The speed of it, basically. As fast as we can come up with answers concerning natural law, the universe, or practical application of the elements thereof, that damned cerebral cortex can envision new questions. Hence the scuba gear, for example. What this means in the long run is that eventually our reasoning of potential outcomes to this thing called evolutionary process is going to hit a perceptual end… a sort of finite point for practical application of knowledge beyond which theory alone will remain dominant for the foreseeable future. Much in the same way that we can already see to the very edge of space, time, and existence with a telescope that’s actually about to be REPLACED, eventually humankind’s consciousness as a whole will have to be forced to thinking of cause and effect on a “where does the species go from here” scale.

It’s worth noting that several intellectual movements and scientific disciplines are of the opinion that this decision may have to be addressed in my lifetime.

What makes human beings ultimately unique is that it WILL be a decision. We can envision, and so we can choose. For the first time in the biological history of Earth, a species will be able to DECIDE how it evolves, instead of letting that remorseless bitch Mother Nature handle it.

GREAT, ONE MORE THING TO WORRY ABOUT. SO WHAT DO WE DO?

Well, cast your votes how you like, but I’m throwing my support to the “get the hell off this planet” approach, at least initially. It seems a no-brainer to me mathematically that every dominant species has sort of a “magic window” of a few scant half-million to a million years before some cataclysm or another delivers it a cosmic nut-shot. It would be a damn shame if we, the first with the ABILITY to see the bad shit coming, didn’t take a few simple survival steps. You financial types (the sort that ask how much a Mars’ colony is gonna cost) think of it as diversification. Set up a habitat on multiple planets in this solar system, then we only have to worry about something really going wrong with the SUN. Under those circumstance, one asteroid can no longer kill us all, if we can refrain from killing each other. And that’ll likely leave us a good four billion years to come up with how we get to another star. So we evolve into a multi-planet species.

I know there’s still a lingering “so we survive, what’s the point” to this scenario. And if you’re looking for a wild speculative take on it… Well, I’ll give you one, fuck it.

A lot of people have been exposed to the Gaia Theory. This says (very loosely) that the Earth and all its systems can be properly viewed as a single organic entity. Further researchers have suggested it’s also a complex adaptive system. I propose that the one (a biological something) automatically assumes the other in the sense that evolutionary forces must work on the ‘Gaia’ system of Earth the same as with her component parts. Even sea shores evolve. Mountains wear away, volcanoes rise, temperatures change, and the Earth evolves as much as her pieces do by themselves.

So with that being my supposition, I would put it to you brave reader that humanity’s true function is simple and direct: We are the reproductive system of the Gaia organism. Earth finally grew a pair of balls, and it is us.

Imagine a ship bringing the first terraforming engines to the surface of Mars. After scientific (and financial) breakthroughs, some human tribe or another succeeds in determining the best way to transform the planet into a breathable Earth-like environment. What just happened was reproduction… We lowly products of our planets natural processes were the biological jackpot capable of both envisioning and carrying out such a complex leap forward in evolution. Though us, our planet can now make copies of itself.

My God, It\'s Full Of Stars

So there you go… whether for holistic oneness with something higher than yourself, or simple fucking survival instinct: Anyplace human beings CAN go, we should. With bold spirit or, failing that, reckless abandon. Just get there before we all wind up like the dinosaurs.

Out for now…

– Paris ‘Rev’ Battle

A Handful Of Concepts We’d Be Better Off Without

Damn Right

We citizens of these United States like to think of ourselves as free-thinkers. Or we did, once. Nowadays, individuality is readily boiled down to whether one prefers to eat at Burger King or Taco Bell, and most of us look askance at the poor fool who prefers homemade fritters. That’s a roundabout way of saying that a great many of my fellow countrymen have adopted prepackaged thinking as the norm. Rather than critical analysis of factual context, most of us prefer to simply pick an established set of realities, mix and match a bit, and pretend we have our own thoughts on the subject at hand. This can be amusing when considering diet, clothing, or soft drink purchases. However, when it is applied to social consciousness, world-view, or political decisions, it has the potential for utter disaster.

The problem is that many concepts and ruminations floating about our societal consciousness have the effect of mental morphine. They soothe, induce happiness and certainty where there was very little before, but don’t really address the actual core of the problem at hand. Some of the notions we cling to, even in the form of questions, are little more than elevated rhetoric at best and outright fantasy at worst. And yet we perpetuate them by repeating them, one to another, easing over the turmoil that would be created by actually having to THINK about the universe around us in a productive and constructive manner.

Collected in this article, in no particular order, are a series of such knee-jerk reactionary concepts that I find particularly offensive to the human intellect at best, and outright dangerous at worst. I submit that they should be purged from the collective American (and indeed, the human) mind.

“YOUR OPINION”

USED FOR: Damn near any instance where there’s a disagreement. Somewhere along the way, perhaps in the educational system, many people had the notion of differing opinions ALL being correct fostered on them without bothering to point out that the term “opinion” actually has a remarkably narrow definition. The result is that we’re now infected with a rising class of individuals willing to dismiss any argument, lesson, or advice put to them that they don’t like on the basis that it’s “your opinion”.

THE CONFUSION: Problem is that “opinion” essentially covers topics of preference that can’t be settled by argumentative dialogue. And that’s IT. It doesn’t cover constructed arguments that have a basis in actual reality. For example: If I say “I think George W. Bush is an asshole and I don’t like him,” THAT’S an opinion. Assholishness is not a measurable quality (or even a real word), and really only refers to what I find pleasurable exposing myself to. Someone else might find W. as pleasing as summertime lemonade, and ne’er the ‘twain shall conflict, because that’s two separate opinions. HOWEVER, if I say George W. Bush’s policies have led the country to ruin, that’s NOT an opinion. That’s an ARGUMENT. If I know what I’m doing, I’ll have a series of observations and data I can use to back up that argument. And if someone disagrees with me, they can propose a counter-argument, with their own observations and data. Bear in mind, none of this means that an ultimate conclusion is going to be reached between the two of us. But that doesn’t mean you have two OPINIONS that are mutually exclusive. Simply two arguments which may or may not have any bearing on the reality of the situation, depending on the intelligence of the arguing parties. In other words, there are economic, social, and political FACTS I can employ in my hypothetical assertation that Bush is a shitty president. No such convenient pillars exist to support the statement ‘Bush is an asshole’, no matter how many people may agree with me.

DANGEROUS BECAUSE: As mentioned before, it’s become a catchall for dismissing anything people just don’t want to hear, without the need to propose and construct a counter-argument. Parent says to child: “You need a college degree or you’ll never make any money.” That’s an ARGUMENT, and a pretty good one based on the current structure of society. It has basis in statistics, prediction of future trends, and likely the experience of the parent themselves. Smartass kid responds with “Well, that’s YOUR OPINION,” and proceeds into their 20s as an armchair rebel with a job at their local strip mall. Had they bothered to actually attempt to argue to the point rationally and with facts, they might discover that nearly 50% of all Fortune 500 CEOs don’t have a college education, and THEN been curious enough to read up on how they did it so they’d have some direction in life that didn’t involve being too lazy to even buck for a manager’s position at Hot Topic. On the more extreme end of things, the “your opinion” fallacy can be (and has been) used to disagree with the very physical nature of reality. “I don’t think I’d like to swim in the ocean today,” is an opinion. “Hey, you’re caught in a riptide, swim parallel to shore because you can’t fight the sea, you dumb bastard,” is NOT. See, sometimes the difference can be subtle, but very, VERY important.

See?

“IS AMERICA READY?”

USED FOR: Quite a bit, especially this election cycle. Basically it’s become the pseudo-philosophical rumination for the cable news talking heads to endlessly smack back and forth in the never-ending racquetball match o’ bullshit that passes for political coverage these days. “Is America ready for a female President?” “Is America ready for a black President?” “Is America ready for Change (TM)?” And so on and so forth it goes until I’m ready to pluck Tim Russert’s eyes out with a dull paring knife.

THE CONFUSION: I don’t know, America. ARE you ready? Do you feel ready? I don’t know if I’m ready. I gotta check. At the end of the day, this is a question that has no answer because it doesn’t make any goddamn sense. WHAT American, I ask you, has been preparing his or her entire life just to be ready for some arbitrary aspect of their commander-in-chief? Look, if some jackass wasn’t gonna be in favor of a black President LAST election, he’s sure as shit not going to be “ready” this time around. This, like SO many other talking points on the news, is just another way to waste my time and give Chris Matthews something to yell at retards about.

I Can\'t Believe I Found This

DANGEROUS BECAUSE: It’s the most commonly used “look at the monkey” technique to distract from, oh I don’t know… ISSUES OF ACTUAL GODDAMN RELEVANCE, maybe? Here’s a hint, both to major media and the people who actually take them at face value: What America is “ready” for is a President that doesn’t fucking suck. Find me THAT President, and I don’t care what color/gender/sexual orientation he/she/it is. Promise.

“ISSUES”

USED FOR: Explaining any behavior that causes conflict, at this point. Boss upset because they caught you photocopying you ass on company time? They’ve got “control issues”. Spouse complaining because they caught you in the sack with the underage office intern? “Jealousy issues.” Cops tasered you because you led them on a high-speed chase through a crowded open air market in a stolen Blazer? “Rage issues,” clearly.

THE CONFUSION: See, some people really DO have “issues”. And by that I mean legitimate psychiatric problems that need addressing before they’re released into the populace at large. Whether it’s three talk sessions per week or a heavy dose of zoloft in the cards, or both, I’m all for any concerted effort to get these people the help they need. Some of them have a lot to offer. Assuming, you know, that they can get over the crazy. The problem is that, much like “your opinion”, this has become a catch-all for dismissing those individuals who are expressing normal and healthy emotions while at the same time telling you that you’re acting like a dipshit. It’s much easier to take someones negative reaction to you if you assume they’re crazy, because then you can effectively ignore them while you continue doing wrong whatever it was you were doing.

Something For Your \

DANGEROUS BECAUSE: At what point does this application of psychological assessment spread to every waking aspect of our lives? At what point does simply having the balls to voice a contrary opinion mark you as someone with “issues”, to be given treatment whether you need it or not? At what point does some government somewhere decide that a large percentage of it’s discontent population has “issues”, and need to be “helped”? Call it dystopian paranoia if you like. Then ask the victims of forced sterilization if mass acceptance of half-cocked eugenic science had an impact on THEIR lives. It starts from the bottom up. Learn to deal with each other, and quit trying to play psychiatrist when you’re not. Not everyone has “issues” just because you’re shouting with them.

“EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON”

USED FOR: The mother of all apathetic stupidity, this phrase is the talisman of either giving up or numbing the pain. It has become the pseudo-spiritual balm on the injuries of life, providing a convenient excuse for cowards to call it quits at the first sign of a struggle. Or, as is more common, blinding people into dull-witted acceptance after a setback in life and thereby preventing them from actually learning anything. This is a phrase so seductive in it’s simple-minded delirium that even the VEHEMENTLY non-religious among us will fall victims to its charm. Many are those I’ve seen who profess no belief in a higher power choosing to LIVE by this phrase, without bothering to consider just who or what is supposed to be providing that mythical “reason” for the shitstorm in question that just happened.

THE CONFUSION: In this instance, it’s not so much confusion as delusion. Whenever disaster befalls people, they seek explanations, often to the point of deviating from reason. It’s apparently become impossible to accept that bad things can still happen to good people, and that things we didn’t see coming (whether we ever could have or not) can still affect us. No no, the universe must have a PLAN. There HAS to be a reason, doesn’t there? No, jackass, there doesn’t. The universe doesn’t owe you shit, not even an explanation. You’re just not that important. None of us are. Yet the narcissistic mind toils on, long after the fact, searching for the justification for our calamity. And eventually, it shows up. Because ANY event, even ones that are profoundly negative for us, likely sets into motion a series of results. Random happenings being morally neutral, some of those results will inevitably be positive. And lo! The mind has found IT’S REASON. THAT’S why that bad thing happened, obviously! So this good thing could follow! And we’re all smiles again.

DANGEROUS BECAUSE: Bullshit is always dangerous on some level. And this is a HIGH OCTANE grade of bullshit. That good thing that followed our disaster wasn’t a REASON, it was a RESULT. You know how I know this? BECAUSE IT FUCKING HAPPENED AFTER THE FACT, YOU IDIOTS. Cause, THEN effect. You know, like in the real world? And believing otherwise just to make yourself feel better is an opiate that leaves you even more ill-prepared to deal with the NEXT unexpected crotch-shot life delivers. Bowing your head to the random nature of the universe and muttering how “everything happens for a reason” absolves you of any mistake you may have made bringing your misfortune about, INSURING that you’ll make it again. Or, in a best case scenario, excuses you from having to recover and get yourself back on the path you were going. Because, if the universe has a reason for your setback, obviously you don’t need to get up and try again, do you? Oh fuck all that, it’s much easier to give up. This phrase, folks, is apathy and fatalism condensed into an easy-to-swallow pill and coated in sickly sweet balderdash. It encapsulates the kind of sheepish timidity in the face of life’s adversity that’s become the downfall of Western society, and every time I hear someone say it, I want to light a fire under their ass. And when I say that, what I mean is that I want to take a thermite grenade and set it off in their rectum. Because they’re meandering through existence using up oxygen that could be given to someone who actually gives a damn.

A Thermite Grenade

Fired up, but out for now…

– Paris ‘Rev’ Battle

A Peek Into The Future (May 14, 2013)

[I was in a goofy mood when I wrote this. Either it’s actually funny, or I’m drunk in the middle of the afternoon again. – Rev]

Seal

LOCATION: James W. Brady Press Briefing Room, the White House

TIME: 3:10pm

[The White House Press Secretary introduces President Paris Battle, who begins after taking the podium and everyone is seated.]

PRESIDENT PARIS BATTLE: Thank you Jon. As the Press Secretary mentioned, I’ll make a few brief statements and then turn the floor over for questions.

Before we begin, I’d like to take a moment and wish a very special birthday to Cate Blanchett, and to let her know that despite her recent court injunction against the office of the White House, my offer of marriage is still on the table. I AM the President Of The United States, and although I know that’s been a diminishing franchise in the last sixty years or so, it’s still a respectable catch. Also, I’ll give your former family tax credits for life, promise. Just something to think on. Your lawyer still has my number, I’m sure.

Anyway, I called this conference to address the bullshit that’s all over the news. Since I DO flip on the television occasionally, I can’t help but notice that those drunken shots of me we took over at Secretary Of Agriculture Will Stone’s place made it onto someone’s Facebook profile and thus all over the internet, the televisions, and thereby our collective lives. Seriously guys, you’ve shown those three shots of me with the Jack Daniels bottle and the ‘Hands Across America’ T-Shirt more times than I ever bothered to look at them.

I KNOW what you’re saying. You’ve been saying it all goddamn day. Look, here’s the deal, then I’ll take questions on anything BUT this, got it? Firstly, I wasn’t ‘endangering a national treasure’ in that shirt. YES I got it from the National Archives, but they’ve got like half a million of those fuckers over there. We’re not losing anything crucial if I should happen to ruin one by overexposure to Tennessee whiskey and cheap stripper perfume. I mean, hypothetically speaking. Secondly, it was NOT a threat to national security to have the entire upper echelon of the Executive Branch plastered beyond belief. Those shots were from a party the night BEFORE the Inauguration. And I dare anyone of you not to be fucked up the night before you take THIS goddamn job. Feel me? Discussion over. Questions? David?

Holy Shit, I\'m The Fucking President

“HOLY SHIT, I’M THE FUCKIN’ PRESIDENT.”

QUESTION: Mr President, concerning that evening…

BATTLE: Oh for fuck’s sake!

Q: I’m sorry, but are you not concerned the impression this leaves on the children of America?

BATTLE: Look, I’m a grown-assed man. You want a message for the children? Here’s one right at them: Kids, if life tosses YOU one more opportunity to party right before you take a job that ages men faster than drinking out of the wrong Holy Grail, you do it. Blowing off steam is good for you. Look Gregory, I’m hip deep in shit that would scare your testicles so far up into your abdomen they’d forget what daylight looks like. All the time, twenty-four seven, sleeping in state secrets. I take a SHIT and it affects a hundred thousand people’s lives. You want a President up here who DOESN’T give himself a mental health moment now and then? Take that to your children, America. Now, next question.

(DOZENS OF HANDS GO UP)

BATTLE: That DOESN’T involve my being drunk on the internet?

(MOST GO DOWN)

BATTLE: Terry! Yes, thank you.

QUESTION: Mr President, since the issuance of the Executive Order on the twentieth of last month…

BATTLE: The legalization directive, yes.

Q: Yes… links to that order and your changes in long established American foreign policy have been both insinuated at criticized by Venezuela’s President.

BATTLE: Sure.

Q: I was just… wondering if you had any response I suppose, to what Mr Chavez is saying in the public forum, or…?

BATTLE: Oh, you want a response?

Q: Or a statement…

BATTLE: Right well, here’s the first thing you need to understand. Hugo Chavez is HUGE asshole. I mean just a total prick. This guy thinks he’s Robin Hood, but he’s like Jabba The Hutt in red shirts. Without the decency to even haul along a girl in a gold bikini. In public anyway. Though, come to think of it, Evo Morales does kind of remind me of Salacious Crumb. I’m not sure why.

Seriously, Look At This Asshole

SERIOUSLY, LOOK AT THIS PRICK

So Chavez is pissed I legalized dope. Boo hoo. Now Columbia gets to weigh legal tax on its production to meet the new demand in America, and FARC suddenly doesn’t have so many friends as people switch to a crop less likely to get them shot by right-wing paramilitary forces. So yeah, that fucks with him. Here’s the thing: I don’t give a shit. I’ve got more important things to worry about than what some bush-leaguer is crying about this week.

Q: Such at what, Mr President?

BATTLE: Well, aside from this, we ARE planning to announce a White House sponsored initiative to combat the critical lack of breasts on American television. But we go official on that later tonight in the Rose Garden, after my usual afternoon whiskey and bong hit break. Anything else?

Q: Mr President, could you give us an outline, or a preview perhaps, of the sorts of issues that your office is planning to discuss during the upcoming European summit?

BATTLE: So far the only thing we’ve got locked down for a hundred percent is the poker game on Tuesday night. And by the way, put it in your article that it’s a half million buy in, and to reserve a spot at the table through the White House EMail address.

Q: Who’s the deadliest world leader at a poker table?

Da

“DA”

BATTLE: Putin. Thank you.

[President exits].

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