The Last Gasp Of Greatness?

For everyones enjoyment, I’d like to present a bite-sized serving of funny.  Following that, I will proceed to gloriously over-think the implications of Mr. Stanhope’s astute observations.  But first, Doug Stanhope:

Don’t you hate when someone else puts something into words that you’ve been trying to express your whole life?  I happen to be just PAST partying age, among the last Americans born in the 1970’s, and I’ve been torturously wondering if it was really just me getting old, or if the kids really WERE getting more and more lame.  We already know they’re getting more clueless, but that’s not really their fault (maybe).  But surely they couldn’t be growing LESS rambunctious, could they?  That didn’t make sense.


But Stanhope nailed it.  He provided the missing link to my aged dilemma.  When I was a young and growing Reagan Baby, I brought out the grump in my parental generation with NWA, Iron Maiden, and anything else that could be played at volumes GUARANTEED to fuck up our hearing later in life.  There were films that got personally denounced by the Pope, and musical groups whose entire careers HINGED on the legal trouble they produced just by saying some shit on a record.  What’s the “edgiest” thing young people are into today?  Emo?  Is that even still around?  What the FUCK?

Where are the teenagers I can be ANGRY at, instead of just feeling sorry for?  Where’s the Beastie Boys I can feel my blood pressure spiking over when it blasts out of a car window?  I want some young’ns I’d be PROUD to chase off my lawn with a shotgun, but these dipshits don’t even know which end of the spray can the paint comes out of.  It’s not enough to say they don’t care anymore.  Every generation since the 60’s has made it a point not to give a shit about the things the last generation did.  THESE assholes wouldn’t even know what to care ABOUT.  And if they ever tried, they’d probably only end up making feeble attempts to mimic the issues, themes, and genres of their elders, just like they do with their music.


The terrible conclusion I draw from all this is very similar to what Stanhope alluded to.  Perhaps an end or reversal of the cycle of perpetual deviance represents the bottoming out of the soul market, if you will.  This could well be a significant sign of declining culture.  I have to wonder at what point some Roman generation or another looked at their children, sighed, and started complaining in the opposite direction?


In the interest of providing a possible light to the end of this depressingly sobering tunnel, I’d like to explore an opposing hypothesis.  Perhaps this process is less linear than cyclical.  Perhaps pussification in Western society simply skips a generation, through mechanisms not yet fully understood.  It would make a certain degree of sense if you think about it broadly enough.  It could be said the WWII generation were shocked by their Baby Boomer children’s “deviancy”, but the impression I get is that those complaints were immediately followed by a sneering of the “soft” label on top of it.  After all, that was a generation that got all their youthful aggression and toil out in a five year period of either killing the shit out of people they’d never met, or working in a factory to build shit to kill people they’d never met.  If those were YOUR formative years, would you really be shocked and appalled at hippies for children, or just generally disgusted?  It COULD be that the majority of parental outrage that existed that time period had quite a different character than what’s been related to us.  I’m just saying.


Now, I’m a long way from claiming that my generation had to endure anything like a Depression and a World War, but with a lack of that we damn sure seemed to turn our destructive tendencies outward in a PLETHORA of creative ways.  The government was actively declaring a War On Fun from both sides, and that lasted pretty much through 9-11.  Today, most of the bullshit rules trying to curb the excess of the Reagan Babies are so indoctrinated people think it’s always been that way.  I’m one of the last Americans who remember a time before police acted like the military, when America looked across the vast sea and pretty much counted on doomsday at any minute, when there was FROM BIRTH a sense of imminent destruction and nothing left to do but blow your fucking mind out on whatever drugs you could find (or invent) and ride the wave into oblivion.  If it wasn’t gong to come from the Soviets (in the 80’s), it was gonna come from somewhere, dammit (90’s to the millennium).


So maybe once every few generation the progress is going to kick out a softening up level of pansy to pad the flow of time.  Maybe evolution knows something we don’t, and that inserting a recessive nutless gene keeps the constant progression of badassery from ripping civilization off it’s hinges.  Maybe the CHILDREN of the current crop of dickcheeses will be so fed-up with Mommy and Daddy’s entitlement-minded Ritalin and Prozac rattled brainpans, they’ll LONG to see some ass kicking again.  Maybe, with careful guidance from their crazy-as-fuck grandparents and great uncles and shit, they’ll embark on a magnificent quest to make this country FUN again.  Parental advisories will be pissed on, cigarettes will be fired up indoors, and PG movies will show tits again!  Maybe…

That would be morning in America AND change I could believe in.

So to any unborn fetuses out there that aren’t being dosed with a lethal amount of sedatives because your mother is an idiot, and can one day grow to read this… Listen to your old people.  We’ll be in our fifties and sixties when you come of age.  Know this… the world wasn’t always this boring.  We can show you a different way.

Out for now…

– Paris ‘Rev Battle


A User’s Guide To Economic Crisis

So there we were in a certain universe.  The Great Campaign of ’08 was proceeding exactly as all the others, with a very familiar final act unfolding before us all.  That is to say both candidates were proceeding to out-dull one another into a submission hold of fatigue and predictable political ploys.


And then, in the midst of this election of Change (TM) something truly remarkable happened.  Something actually changed.

And of course by “change” I mean “collapsed on an epic level” and by “something” I mean the United States economy.  Not that economy hasn’t been an issue the entire election, but now something has started to happen that has given both candidates an opportunity to rise to the occasion… to take bold uncompromising steps toward leadership as a crisis unfolds in this election’s latter days.  And, to their credit, one candidate DID make a slight halfhearted attempt at it.


So with both Obama and McCain trying their best to sound as much like one another (and the polled preferences of the majority of likely American voters), their opinions on the matter are effectively irrelevant.  I imagine they’re JUST as irrelevant by phone or in person, in case it matters.  The important thing to note is that the immediate state of everyone’s credit and finances is in the hands of the US Federal Government.  So really, how can there be anything to worry about?  They do such a bang-up job on everything else.


The United States Department of Pulling Numbers Out Their Asses have apparently generated a $700 billion dollar price tag on what is, to my understanding, the economic equivalent of cleaning out an engine and all its filters so it doesn’t blow up on Dead Man’s Curve down by the old Thompson Farm.  Except that no one knows if engine gunk is actually the problem.  But whatever that problem is, it doesn’t act like anything else that’s ever been solved by conventional means on a car engine, anywhere, any time.

For the average citizen, there are two main responses to this crisis.  The first is open sarcasm.  As such, here are your Final Four brackets for all the banks in the Free Market.  Everyone feel free to start office pools, I’m sure that’s why it was created:

The other path is political action of some sort.  And here I have a proposition to my fellow Americans.  A proposition as to the path that we can take in the immediate, for we are fortunate enough to have a catastophe too fresh to wear off by Election Day.  Allow me to outline my proposal.

For the next few days, and on into forever, you’re going to hear Republicans and Democrats do what they do best: blame each other for shit going wrong.

Since a few Republicans suddenly decided that NOW they were gonna remember the Constitution, it’s already begun.  The point-counterpoint that followed as even the President seemed to shrink to irrelevancy only served to further drive home the point that zealots and pricks have taken over Congress.

Mind you, I’m not saying the bailout is a good thing or a bad thing.  I find it a CURIOUS thing when one considers a few points.  First, the majority of economics experts are predicting something far less dire than people seem to be imagining (myself, at times, among them).  The second thing to keep it mind is that if the US taxpayer winds up having to foot this bill, and I honestly don’t see how we’re not gonna get stuck with this, then there’s a HOST of other things $700 billion dollars could be used for that don’t involve a plan that might not even work.

A few examples?  Well, $365 billion could fix every collapsing road and every shitty railroad line in the United States.  For another $185 billion we could establish BOTH a national health care system and a universal automated health information system, something I was shocked to learn we don’t actually have already (the two groups with the finest communication of respective medical histories in this country are veterans and convicts).  That’s $515 billion, and I’m not done.  Because if the Gila Bend solar array is any indicator of potential, another $85 billion could conceivably provide power to nearly SIX MILLION US HOMES and that would STILL leave us another $100 billion for the infrastructure necessary to carry that power from the southern deserts to wherever the fuck it needs to go.

It should also be pointed out that these projects all address issues that have ALSO been pestering the United States Congress for several years, each one of them threatening this nation in one way or another.  It suddenly becomes very funny how Congress can come up with 700 billion dollars when their rich friends are in trouble.


The apologists for this bailout will make a big deal about how the government may recuperate all its losses from flipping reams and reams of shitty credit.  Because if there’s one thing everybody’s going to rush to do, it’s buy bad loans from the government.  They also point out that any one of the ambitious projects I just brought up will DEFINITELY mean a tax increase (which isn’t totally true, but it might).  They don’t mention, however, the number of jobs an infrastructure overhaul alone will create, to say nothing of side industries.  Definitely a tax, but definitely a return, which is more than we can say for Operation: “Panic And Throw Money At It”.

But regardless how you feel about the plan, one thing we can ALL agree on is the need to do precisely what DIDN’T get done this week.  Which is to say, something productive.  Maybe the bailout is a better idea, maybe it’s not, but… I don’t know… ISN’T THIS WHAT WE ELECT THESE FUCKERS TO FIGURE OUT?

And so enters my aforementioned humble proposition.  I propose, my fellow voters, that we all do something to blow their fucking minds.  Something none of their pollsters could POSSIBLY envision.  We act like responsible voters.  We use our powers of democracy to attack the REAL culprits of government ineptitude in the face of crisis.

We vote against incumbents.


Fuck all if they’re Republicans.  Vote Democrat.  Democrats?  Vote Republican.  Or vote third party.  Just make a showing against whoever is CURRENTLY in office, and that you’re eligible to vote against.  Rush the polls.  Toss a bunch of close races the other way, or narrow the margin of a sure-thing enough he or she notices.  Send them a message.  All of them.

Current economic wisdom says this crisis traces its roots as far back as the mid-1990’s.  Now I don’t know the numbers, but I HAVE to guess there are a lot of motherfuckers (and fuckerettes) who have been in the Senate and the House since at LEAST then.  I’m talking Republicans and Democrats ALIKE.  Maybe it’s time these fine individuals sought work elsewhere.

So fuck it, then.  They can’t get their act together, for WHATEVER reason?  They ALL let this situation get to this point in the first place.  Let’s remind them they work at our pleasure.  Let’s make them feel some real “change”.


Out For Now…

– Paris ‘Rev’ Battle

(If you’d like to know which of your current Senators or Representatives are incumbents, and whether or not they’re up for firing this year, the full lists by district may be found here and here)

Just Something To Share

We all love crazy random shit on the internet.  Or I assume we all do, because I do and my reasoning is that’s what brought anyone reading this HERE in the first place.

Point is, whether it’s some YouTube-spawned future meme involving a rodent and music, or just a crazy picture of someones grandmother holding a Desert Eagle, crazy shit on the internet dominates the tubes to the point of congestion.

Occasionally however, in the midst of the random explosion of images brought about by the age of digital cameras and mass communication, something magical happens.  Sometimes from all this chaos is brought forth an image so beautiful, so utterly indescribable, that it transcends the surly bounds of EMail-forwarding schlop and enters the realm of true art.

It is today that I have found one such image.  And, to stimulate the minds of those reading this, I wish to share it below.

Be warned: It will move you, so scroll down only when you are prepared.  Enjoy.














I know.  I too was left wordless.

Out for now…

– Paris ‘Rev’ Battle

You Can Put Lipstick On A Pig, But It’s Still A Lost Election. Or: My Second-To-Last Comment On This Debacle Called The 2008 Presidential Race

This has been the pivotal week.

This is “read my lips, no new taxes” and “it’s the economy stupid” and “I actually DID vote for etc, before I voted against it.”

It’s “The Moment”.  It happens in every election, and it seals the deal.  Sometimes it comes early, and slaps a label on a candidate they can’t shake (Kerry The Flip-Flopper), and sometimes it comes late and gets used as a weapon against a crucial voting block (Obama The Woman Hater).  Either way, The Moment is as inescapable and inevitable as its results.  Results which, over the last week, have become all too apparent.

Mind you, I was preparing a draft for this latest blog entry entitled “Calling The Election For John McCain” before this happened.  But events early this week have made what was going to be a simple assessment of solid red states and battleground poll numbers is instead going to turn into something perhaps a little more flashy here in the home stretch.

This has all been going downhill for Obama since the selection of Sarah Palin.  What at first seemed the baffling pick of a woefully under-experienced and unknown VP candidate quickly crystallized into a cohesive and effective strategy from the GOP side.  Steve Schmidt has apparently learned well from his dark master.



Much like Chase and Ackroyd in Spies Like Us, she’s a decoy.  They put Palin out there as a target with an Alaska-sized bear-trap sitting right next to her.  And the Democrats stepped right the fuck into it.


It started with the experience question.  As some rare souls in the media mainstream (if the Post can even be called that) have somehow miraculously noticed, Obama got sucked into an argument that he was preset to lose.  By attacking Palin on the experience question, they set themselves up for a counter-attack on Senator Obama’s own experience, his consistent weak spot.  This led to a “tale of the tape” style back-and-forth between the two campaigns over whether community organizers, small town mayors, or governors with states that have roughly the population of a large trailer park are better experienced to lead this entire nation.  The Democrats played into this nonsense by essentially pitting the HEAD of their ticket against the number two on the Republican side.  So even if the argument is won, it’s lost.  It will read that if Obama’s having trouble with Number One, how’s anyone to believe he’s going to beat Blofeld?

Then this shit happened:

Which is memorable apparently for being so memorable, to hear everyone tell it.  I’d almost erased this moment of retarded levity from my memory and now it may go down as the lamest joke to ever win an election.  Observe:

This is what an overworked candidate looks like, incidentally.  And likely campaign exhaustion is what led to this strategic level fuck-up.  See, a fully refreshed and prepped Barack Obama would have had every ounce of Sarah Palin intel ready to spring into action from the depths of his Vulcan-like mind to prevent uttering those exact words at THIS exact time.  And it would have recalled that atrocious bit of semi-humor and it’s apparent bumper sticker appeal among “working class whites” (racist people).  Or at least recalled before the audience did, and started laughing about it.  You can see him almost realizing what he’s saying halfway through it after their gleeful response, if you look closely.  If it had broken through fully he probably would have cracked a laugh, and with good reason: Because calling Sarah Palin a pig by accident is fucking funny.  Not good for your campaign, but funny.

So the Republicans respond by snapping that bear trap shut with an outraged, ‘OH NOES OBAMA CALLED SARA A PIG WTF!!!1!’  Oh, and a hastily thrown together advertisement I’d love to show you, but apparently CBS made YouTube take it down because it contained illicitly gained footage of Katie Couric, a statement that shouldn’t sound sexy but kinda does anyway.  This is the same CBS that ran a story with fake documents discrediting a sitting president during an election year and tarnishing the reputation of their finest anchor.  But I’m sure that’s just a coincidence.

In any case, that text-message outrage leaked it’s way into the sea and was snapped up for the journalistic gangbang called the 24-hour cable news cycle.  The Obama campaign was, to say the least, a bit rattled.  There was a poll slip, then a dead heat again.  If you don’t believe they were rattled, observe their response.  Witness Obama’s thunderous denunciation:

Heartfelt, emotional in places, played well in the room, and entirely too late.  Obama slammed the barn door pretty hard, but the horse was already contending for the Triple-Crown.  And if I’m calculating this correctly, Obama is mounting his primary defense on the assumption that everyone is smart enough to know the difference between an exhausted non-comment turning into a funny moment and an actual insult.  In other words, he’s hinging his bet on the political acumen and keen observational skills of the American public.  I’ve never seen a more effective way of losing than that.

For those of you all high on “hope” and “change” (or anything else) that makes you think that somehow this election will be different, I apologize for killing your buzz.  I know that sucks.  But now for the injection of some hard cold factual analysis.  Voters are essentially ignorant, as most serious studies on the matter have apparently concluded.  Social scientists are nicer guys about it and don’t use words like that, but there’s very little doubt you can call an electorate who believes the things they do in the numbers they do anything but that.  Ignorant.  And the answer is YES, this dirty little episode is going to make an impact, an impression, AND a difference.  The Republicans can even pretend some moral high ground my not mentioning it anymore (they’ve already stopped), because they’ve gotten what they wanted out of it.  Unified, overwhelming support for the ticket among their own base, something they’ve not really had up until this point.  And the results speak for themselves.

According to MSNBC, this “Palin bounce” over the “enthusiasm gap”, has not only erased Obama’s lead in national polls, which are mostly garbage anyway, but cut significantly into his electoral vote advantage.  That’s a number that actually makes blood-pressures rise on campaign buses when it jumps around like this.  And it’s coming from a network that doesn’t like to report bad news about Obama, so you know it’s got to be REALLY bad, if not worse than they’re making it sound.

Whatever the case, the raw numbers are as follows: Obama’s gone from being a 28 point favorite in the race for electors to having a 6 point lead, by their estimations.  Most of this is a result of traditional red states which had looked like possibilities for Obama now firmly slamming the door in his face, and the movement of Florida from a total toss-up to leaning McCain’s way.

But all of that is just the beginning.  The Republican juggernaut of church-going suburbanite voters that put the least likable President in US history in office twice is now amped-up behind McCain.  Well, behind Palin at least, but it got them off their asses and that’s pretty much all they need.  The sheer NUMBER of votes these people can generate has been the death-knell for every Democrat candidate since Carter’s re-election attempt.  And the Obama campaign has pulled out… basically nothing.  If ever there were time for a late-game rush on some “hope and change”, now would be it.  This week, with hurricane coverage obscuring politics they may have gotten a reprieve for a moment, but if Team Obama wants to field some crazy last minute move, they have forty-nine more days to make it work.


But don’t look so down!  My very LAST post on the election will be about who I’M actually voting for, and why it doesn’t matter in the end because American democracy is past salvation.  That’ll be sure to cheer  you up.

Out for now…

– Paris ‘Rev’ Battle

What The United States Of America Means To Me, And Why It Still Kicks Ass

In the days leading up to this country’s Independence celebration, I found myself contemplative for this particular entry into the Memetic Press blog.  Two hundred and thirty-two years ago, a ragtag group of businessmen, smugglers, and pillars of their respective communities gathered together to solidify their ideas about national identity and natural rights on a piece of paper.  That scrap of hemp parchment was destined to live forever as history’s greatest middle finger, aimed squarely at the King of England.

This is the time of year I usually imagine this scene playing out: I see John Hancock, you know… chillin’.  Standing against the wall as everyone else signs, just hanging back, you know.  And Jefferson looks up and says… “Hey Hancock, you gonna get down on this?”  And Hancock’s just waiting, smug like, and he says, “Nah, I’ll get it in a minute.  Save room.  Lots of room.”  Probably drinking, too.  I heard they had to stop him before he dipped his gigantic balls into the inkwell and planted them right next to his signature.  Let the king see that, indeed.


Anyway, that leads me to the subject of today’s musing… What the United States of America Means To Me, And Why It Still Kicks Ass.

The ass-kickery begins, as most ass-kickery does, at the beginning.  For whatever reason the forces of fate decided to bring together the exact right people at the exact right moment.  Most of the Founders themselves would have called this Providence, but whatever the driving principle behind it, the result remains the same and the pattern is inescapable.  You can see it in other points of American history where two or more convergent forces raise the status of one another.  For example, without say, Howard Hawks and John Ford, John Wayne would be just another Western serial actor.  Without the RZA and the rest of the Wu, the Ol’ Dirty Bastard would just be a drunk dude screaming into a microphone.  And thusly, without one another, each constituent part of the Founding Fathers posse would simply be a historical footnote; Franklin a quirky 18th century inventor, Washington a prominent military commander in a forgotten war with the French, and Adams not even worth an HBO mini-series.  And so on.

But that’s not what happened.  What happened was that these men not only came together to combine their powers, not unlike Voltron, but they did so at the PRECISE moment that history required.  Think of it as a perfect storm of complimentary social, political, and philosophical ingredients, brought to a boil in the unrest of a shit-load of cider-drunk hemp farmers.  And the result, my friends, was something truly amazing.


For perhaps the first time in modern history, a nation set out to build itself FROM SCRATCH.  Without tradition or monarchy to guide them, without religious fervor to inform their ceremony, with nothing but the brains in their heads these men attempted to create a country that worked on the principles of REASON and COMMON SENSE.  It’s goal was nothing less than freedom to live for even its lowest and meanest of citizen.  Revolutionary?  Without question.

It was on the promise of this that a ragtag, disorganized citizens brigade proceeded to pull off the greatest military upset since Leonidas rallied Greece against Xerxes with his own blood.  The most powerful military force on Earth lost to screaming hillbillies and starving New England men who were fighting for nothing more than the PROMISE of a free land.  This was a message that resounded so clearly, so incontrovertibly, that every monarchy in Europe shook with fear.  In some cases, this fear was well justified.


In recent years, it’s become somewhat fashionable for our own intellectual elite and ignorant suburbanites to bash America.  And, considering the trajectory this country has been moving along in recent years, that’s somewhat understandable.  But I myself draw a line between criticism of our government’s actions (which, at the end of the day, we’ve no one but ourselves to blame for) and denigration of this country’s origins and ideals.

Was the nation born of the Revolution a perfect one?  Certainly not, nor was that ever the claim.  If the Founding Fathers pretended to perfection, they’d never have allowed amendments to the Constitution.  Jefferson for one advised each succeeding generation to throw the whole damn system out if it suited their fancy, and the day may yet come where I advocate taking him up on it.  But the INTENT, you see, was the important thing.  They TRIED.  Within the framework of their understanding of the universe around them, they created the best system THEY could come up with.  And, recognizing that future generations would have a greater understanding than they, implemented a system to adapt to that understanding.

This system itself hasn’t always stood up to the rigors of civilized dialogue.  The issues of states rights and slavery degenerated into bloodletting, but the nation survived.  The equal distribution of our freedoms to various groups has often come slowly, but it HAS come.  And today, the United States faces the painful duality of having a bloated expansionist government with an isolationist population.  Problems, as they will, arise.

But throughout it all, a ray of undiluted promise remains.  Freedom.  Independence.  The ability for any person of any persuasion to live their life HOWEVER they please, so long as it harm no other.  Some have proclaimed it impossible.  Some have mocked its very existence and called it an illusion.  Some have degraded the symbols by which this country pursues this promise, burning flags and championing degenerate failed political ideologies from overseas.  All these people, I say here and now, are fucking fools.

Is this country perfect?  Hardly.  No more so than the day it was formed.  But is it’s IDEAL the pinnacle of human achievement?  The notion that all humanity: large and small, rich and poor, male and female, has the right to pursue its happiness however it sees fit?  You bet your American ass it is.

Between the institutionalized self-loathing of the left and the twisted nationalist territoriality of the right there exists a medium of thinking that STILL makes sense.  Common sense, as Thomas Paine might recognize.  Freedom has been slow to come to some in this country.  But it has come.  And it will come.  And the inexorable march toward equality for all under the law and opportunity for everyone in this great nation will continue.  It survived the Civil War.  It survived the Great Depression.  That very simple notion that all should be free… codified in a document by a group of irritable, disagreeing, and heavily sweating men in powdered wigs… lives still.  The promise made in Philadelphia, the gigantic ‘go fuck yourself’ pointed toward King George and indeed all tyrants, still lives.

The United States Of America kicks ass.


Out for now…

– Paris ‘Rev’ Battle